I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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