nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
