mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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