The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
