I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
