The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
