I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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