Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This toilet bowl is my home.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
