So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We're too hungover to prance.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
