I have demons in me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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