I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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