I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
