i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize