listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
