Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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