John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
