Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
