Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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