Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
