I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
