just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize