I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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