I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
