I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
