Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
