all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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