my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
