do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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