i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
