My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How external is "for external use only"?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
