Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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