I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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