I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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