He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
