Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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