You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
