Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
