It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
