"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
this hospital has no fireball
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
