yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
