you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
