Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
