A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
