alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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