I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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