Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
