You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
