alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
