i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
