you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
