i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
