Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
