Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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