ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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