i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
