Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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