break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
