Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
