i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
