'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
