I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
