im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
