Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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