I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
