went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
sarcasm needs its own font
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
